My Diary: hospitals and Christmas lights and how gratitude is bigger than worry

When I was putting up our Christmas decorations tonight, I smiled a little when I realized what a messy house I was decorating. Literally. We hadn’t cleaned in forever.

But also figuratively.

I smiled at how stringing up our lights felt like inviting Jesus in – pausing in the chaos and crud of sickness and anxiety and uninvited trouble and just lighting the tree and praying, “Come on in. We’re waiting for You here.

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Michael and I took a trip to New York this past week. It was our intended “romantic getaway” for just the two of us.

One day into our trip, Michael fainted from nausea due to severe food poisoning. He hit his head and was knocked unconscious. I dialed 911 for an ambulance, and the Fields ended up in the NYC hospital in the middle of the night.

Can I be real, here? Awesome. I’ll be real.

I spent the better part of last week – the week we’d planned on enjoying the twinkling lights and selfie-ing with the Rockefeller tree and eating too much cheesecake and making a tally of how many Christmas lights we saw – crying on and off about the messiness and fear of finding my husband in that awful moment.

After we checked out of the hospital, I mostly remember double-checking that Michael was OK every five minutes for the remainder of the trip. I couldn’t sleep unless I could hear him breathing steadily. The shock of finding him in such a weak state, the what-ifs that circled my brain and clutched my heart, the emotions of completely changed expectations about something we’d looked forward to for so long, the shock that OMIGOODNESS I LITERALLY DIALED 911 LIKE THEY TAUGHT ME IN SECOND GRADE, the massive amounts of Gatorade we consumed in the span of 3 days, and then the relief that I still have my husband and HE REALLY IS GOING TO BE OKAY made my emotions look like the following:

FDJSAL548W58OHYGURHEW584%&TFJDSKHGFJDGFDSG??!!!!!! **chocolate break** GHFDL48WIAHURLV8T4YE!!??!!

And so, somehow at first, stringing up the Christmas lights back at home…with Michael sleeping on the couch because taking the tree down from the attic wore him out…seemed…I don’t know. Weird?

Like, instead of spreading little spurts of light joy around my house…anxiety was insisting that I worry about Michael instead. Worry about anything, really.

Instead of…spreading joy.

How opposite of our life-breathing Jesus can one thought be?!!!

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It’s freedom, really, this: I can’t add even a minute to mine or Michael’s span of life by worrying (Matt 6:27). I feel like Jesus told us that as a command, but also as a freeing gift: holding it all together just flat-out isn’t up to us. We are not in control. Blessed assurance, we’re held by something greater than our own worry.

And so, in an act of defiant praise to the Author of Christmas, I continued to string up our Christmas lights. And the cats continued to rip them down. And it turned into the sweetest of times. 

Jesus keeps proving Himself to be the author of real, unyielding, hopeful sweetness.

And guess what?

The hubs is MUCH better by the time I’ve posted this! A little tired, but eating and working like a champ.

And guess what else?

Our lights are twinkling brighter than ever and I’m so glad I didn’t wait until we had it “all together” to rejoice.

Merry Christmas, and blessings and joy to you wherever you find yourself this season,

Robyn

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thes 5:16-18.

Recovery Diary: my knee is the size of my head, but at least I’ve watched 37 episodes of Saved by the Bell

It’s two weeks post-op! Whoop, whoop!

So I was thinking…what can I write my diary about this week? I haven’t done anything but watch Kelly and Zack go to prom and then break up and then go to prom again. (Not that I’m complaining about this.)

So…here it is!

Recovery Diary of my Saturday (a.k.a – confirmation that your weekend WAS way cooler than somebody’s 😉 )

9:00 a.m. Yay! Time to get out of bed! I love Saturdays!

9:15 a.m. But I don’t want to move. Moving is hard. Plus, I can totally watch Zack and Kelly from this very spot…

9:16 a.m. …But I can’t watch the Pioneer Woman from this spot. Darn it. Okay. I’ll move.

10:00 a.m. I’m on the couch!! I’m on the couch!! Whoop, whoop!

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turns out, classic mixed veggies are the best ice pack. who knew?

1:00 p.m. I just watched three straight hours of TV! I’m winning!

1:01 p.m. No, that’s totally not true. I am literally going crazy. If I do not get out of this house right now I will never watch Saved by the Bell ever again. And I mean it!

Just kidding. Yes I will. I will always watch Saved by the Bell.

1:15 p.m. Hubby and I go on what we call “a crutch.” This is like a walk, but it’s more of a…crutch-type hobble to a pair of trees and back. It’s a grand, epic adventure, I tell you.

1:20 p.m. The trees! They’re so beautiful and red and totally worth getting off the couch for! And the air is crisp and I love the wreath on that person’s door and as annoying as recovery is…I can’t think of a better time to recover than in October. It’s the most beautiful recovery time I can imagine.

1:25 p.m. Time for physical therapy exercises. I love these. And today I’m extra excited because I bent my knee farther than 90 degrees while sitting!!! I’M WINNING! I pat myself on the back. Literally.

1:45-6:00 p.m. Couch time. Thankfully, I love Narnia. C.S. Lewis, you are brilliant and I thank you for the world you created in these books.

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6:30 p.m. Extroverted me is going crazy. “I need people,” I tell Hubby.

Hubby loads me in the car to see the people.

Hubby also calls one of his people to ride with us. This person is also on crutches! We load 4 crutches in the car to go see our people. I like having another crutch buddy!

7:00 p.m. MY PEOPLE!!!! MY PEOPLE!!! SOCIAL INTERACTION!!!! AND….WHAT’S THAT? YOU HAVE PUMPKIN BREAD AND S’MORES?!!!!! WINNING. MY PEOPLE WIN.

9:30 p.m. We can’t stay long with the people, because my leg still needs to be elevated at pretty much…well, all the time…until the swelling goes down. But at least I saw my people. And a crackling fire pit. And sugary treats.

Recovery in October. It really is the best. You know. Instead of like, January.

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the “crutch mobile”

10:00 p.m. Time for Zack and Kelly. This is the episode where Jesse and Slater get stuck in the boiler room while everybody else is at prom. But it’s okay! Because this is also where they realize they actually love each other. (But duh. I could have told them this fact about 15 episodes ago.)

Jesse and Slater. Gosh. You guys.

You’re the best.

Now I just need Kelly and Zack to get back together.

I wonder if Saved by the Bell “College Years” is on Netflix, too…

…hmm…that will be my project for tomorrow!

#winning.

*Side note: all my people who have brought me food, visited with me, driven me places, and sent me funny cat pictures…YOU ARE LITERALLY THE BEST. Love you guys!!

S’mores Chocolate Chip Cookie Cupcakes

Y’all. Y’ALL. I did it.

I took my original chocolate chip cookie recipe and TURNED IT INTO SOMETHING EVEN BETTER.

“What?!” you say. “But your cookie was already doughy! And too chocolately to eat in a dignified manner! And too soft to stay in one piece whilst cramming it into one’s mouth!! What could be better?!”

Adding s’mores, my fellow dough lovers. Adding s’mores makes. EVERYTHING. better, it turns out.

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I am only sorry it took me this long to realize.

Here’s how my jubilant discovery was made:

It all started when the Dawgs lost on Saturday…and it was heartbreaking. (I typically spend just as much time in my coloring book as I do watching the game on TV, but this match-up was SO NAIL-BITING I couldn’t even color.)

And that’s saying something, my friends.

There were 10 seconds left in the game – the Dawgs scored – the Dawgs rejoiced – too much, apparently – 4 seconds left – the Vols scored – we lost.

I almost cried. Seriously. Embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. Fellow extremely emotive people – I got you.

Hubby looked over at me, saw the totally rational pathetic look on my face and said, “Come on! Let’s go to Publix. Nothing cheers my wifey up like going to Publix.”

(What? You don’t cheer up at the grocery store, too? Weird.)

So there we were. The only people strolling through Publix at 9 p.m. on a Saturday. (#sorrynotsorry, amiright?!)

What will cheer me up? I wondered. I stared at the baking aisle. And then boxes of graham cracker crumbs spoke to me. No they didn’t. But as soon as my eyes landed on those boxes of grahamy goodness I thought, S’MORES. I WILL EAT DOUGHY S’MORE COOKIES TONIGHT. AND I WILL USE SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK BECAUSE THIS NIGHT CALLS FOR THAT LEVEL OF DOUGHY-NESS.

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I grabbed the ingredients and put them in hubby’s basket and felt the corners of my mouth curve upward in victory. Because the Dawgs might have lost. But when you decide to make s’mores cookies, you’re actually a winner.

So, without further ado, here is my original recipe for S’more Cookie Cupcakes (they’re cookies – but must be made in cupcake tins – because they’re THAT DOUGHY. You’re welcome.)

Ingredients:

1 cup (2 sticks) of butter

2 cups of white sugar

¼ cup of sweetened condensed milk

1 tbsp of vanilla

1 egg

2 cups of flour

2/3 cup of graham cracker crumbs (plus some extra for garnish)

1 tsp baking soda

A pinch of salt

Mini chocolate chips (I never use a number on chocolate. Eyeball it. Use a logical amount the whole bag, probably.)

2 break-apart Hershey’s bars

Marshmallow fluff (usually found on the baking aisle)

Instructions:

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Cream together the sugar, egg, vanilla, and sweetened condensed milk.

In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, salt, baking soda, and graham cracker crumbs.

Slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients, mixing on a low speed.

  • I add a little bit of dry ingredients, and then some chocolate chips, mix them in, and repeat both steps until all the ingredients are mixed together.img_6582

Spray a cupcake tin with non-stick spray or wipe the tin with vegetable oil.

Drop heaping spoonfuls of the dough into each cup. (I used an ice cream scoop to do this. The cookie dough scoop is a bit small for this particular endeavor).

Bake the cookies for 8-12 minutes. (Eyeball it. The edges should be brown and raised when they’re done.)

When done, take the cookies out and place one square of Hershey’s chocolate into each cookie.

Give each cookie a dollop of marshmallow fluff on top of the chocolate, and garnish with graham cracker crumbs as desired.

Lets the cookies cool for at least 10-15 minutes in the pan (or else they w
ill fall apart!)
These cookies are for the “doughy-ness” lovers among us. Tread carefully. They WILL fall apart if you take them out too early! (But does that really stop us anyway, fellow cookie lovers?)

 

Enjoy!!!

And, as always, GO DAWGS!

Robyn

 

a clinched fist is tiring, but an open palm can hold all the chocolate

I’ve learned this year that…to receive the blessings of God, the promises of God, the Word of God, the confidence of God, the love of God, the glory of God, the rest in God, the peace, the joy, the steady heartbeat that comes with simply being loved by Love Himself

I have to open my clinched fists of control. So that, open-palmed, I might receive from Him.

That I might receive Him.

Control makes no sense. So then, why do I want it so badly? Is it maybe because I don’t trust God fully enough to take care of things?

That’s embarrassing. Because that would mean…I myself want to be God…instead of letting Him be God.

Seriously. That’s embarrassing.dsc_7386

So how then, I wonder, do I combat the need to clinch the fists and tighten the grip and strangle the carefree life in search of elusive control?

Heart bowed, humility washing, I ask the Lord to gently uncoil my fingers…

…and suddenly the breathing is easier. I notice the sun on the pinestraw outside and the whiskers on Tuck and suddenly there are enough hours in the day to do everything I want to get done because suddenly all I want to get done is…enjoying God.

And the work is more fun. The words are beautiful. The pressure is gone. The rest is easy and the burden is light. Jesus didn’t lie about that part.

I always wondered what He meant when He said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt 11:28). Because I must have been coming to Him all this time with my fists clinched. Head-butting Him, probably. Knowing me. Because with fists clinched all I can do is head-butt or punch. And head-butting is more fun. Just ask Michael.

But with open palms, I can receive from Him. Receive life. Receive more of Him. Right where I am. In the middle of the work day. In a night of anxiety. In the quiet moment on the couch with coffee. In the triumph of progress. Wrangling the cats. Waiting for an answer.

And we can, you know? We can open our palms to receive from Jesus..because He can be trusted. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness” (Lam 3:22-23).

Gosh, it’s hard. But clinching the fists tight, I’ve learned, is harder. And much less fun. I prefer joy over worry.

I can, I must, to really live, open my palms to Him. And I can, I remind my heart, because He, in order for me to really live, opened His palms for me. He engraved my name upon His hands (Isaiah 49:16). He let the nail pierce His hands, knowing it was for me. Me. If He saw me as worth His very life, can’t I trust Him with mine?

I will open my hands to Him. I will receive the restful life He promised. I will receive Him.

Because I can trust this God-man, I tell my heart. The One who gave His life for me. I can trust Him.

Jesus holds all things together, and everything is in His hands. Col 1:17, John 3:35.

So I’ll live with open hands today, thrilled and kid-like to see what God places in them. Marveling at how God holds them gently. Loving the easy-going rest.

And you know, with open hands, there’s just flat-out more room to hold all the chocolate.

 

Blessings and joy and freedom and a handful of chocolate to you,

Robyn